Threes company

I write this after getting an email from a dear friend. Well maybe more then a friend at one time for a very short period of time. But the relationship grew to be something more important to me than a girlfriend and boyfriend relationship. Probably the distance kept us away or maybe I have my heart still with someone else. It is difficult to explain for myself, let alone put it in words.

As some of my close friends know. I am still in the process of trying to get over my ex. The last 2 months has not been easy given we did spend together. Yes bad mistake.... But I think I am at a cross road here where what is next. Or maybe a lot of time I am better at giving advice than what I can do for myself. To shorten the story and leave it for later, my ex seems to want to be back with me, but yet in some ways I can see she is hesitant. Unknowing how our history will effect our future together is a big part of. We been through a lot and with all the good and the bad. Unfortunately sometime the bad are the things that holds everything back. Well without going into that detail.

I have to explain why this post started. This good friend and I had a great week together a few years ago. About 5 years to be exact. We kept in touch ever since then we still talk through email and occasional phone call. I am thankful for that. She wanted to be with me and was willing to give every aspect of herself to me. Great girl, but yet I could not get myself to bring her into my life completely. On the other hand, I have my ex where I don't see her as open to me, but I still have very strong feeling for. Maybe just wishing she can turn everything around and make it all better. The contrast between the two is big. My ex fulfills me everything on the outside and much more. The good friend fulfills me on the inside understanding what makes my emotion move. The good friend would sent me the right poems or encouragement or even songs that touches me. Things ironically that get me by when I feel hurt by the ex. Yet when I hold the ex and not say anything the same comforts exist. So being the half and half person that I am I seem to continue on this roller coaster. Trying to get off and not know whether if I will like it if I do decide to abandon it. Well the song that my good friend sent me was about saying goodbye. She was not saying goodbye to me, but more so to say how our once attempt at flirting with being in a relationship has evolved into a great friendship. Now I am happy to learn that she started to be interested in a guys that she recently met. I am happy for her as I know she is a great girl.

So now that leave me with questions. Wondering what the heck am I doing? The songs seem to give the sign that it maybe time to say goodbye to the ex. Let it go. In the many things that I have discipline for, one that I am very bad at is discipline about love. What to do if you know you are not being the person you should be because you have feeling for someone. Do you embrace that feeling or do you force yourself away from it and hope for the better? Sometime people say you got to look for the little messages and miracles around you to understand that someone it trying to help you. Maybe I am just not looking hard enough or maybe I just been refuse to listen. That question remains.....to be continued I think....

In $ we trust

Today I had an interesting conversation with the ex. Among the many topics that we caught up on, one was on finances. But what came down to it was that she made more than me. I am happy for her, yet a little trouble by it. Am I self centered for having that thought? I wonder. I've always tried to measure what the worth of having a balance work and life versus just going after the almighty $. After that conversation I wonder if maybe it is time for me to revive that drive of building my kingdom. I decided to reduce my devotion to work ever since 2001 thinking that life was more than that. But with these days it seems that people all around me are chasing after either the money or the prestige of making that money. Over the years I've seen friends do very well for themselves. I am glad they did. In fact I've seen some of my advise had effected them positively and that made me proud of what they've accomplished. I think I just choose a different thing to work on during that time. Yet along the way I think I forgot that money is important too. Maybe it is the competitive nature in me. But I think for the first time in a long time, the drive to actually make money is coming back. I have to see how this will turn out. This is the first day. I have to double check this in Feb. 2008 as that is my deadline for my current job.

Me First

Today went to Go-Karting for the first time with my friend. Always wanted to try high speed go karts and this past lazy sunday seems like the best time to do this. We purchase the 20 minute race for $45 and raced on the Yokohama track. Funny thing was that I think I was at Yokohama a few months ago, but for ramen though. Being that I am always about calculating money, I started to imagine this place makes a killing with charging people $45 just for the beginner course. The line were out the door with people preparing for the race. Anyways, you had to have a drivers license to drive and they run through a video safety course. I guess you pay for the experience. So I wonder how much is an experience worth to someone? Anyways, here is my cheesy driver's license.

Surprisingly the car handled well. I got into my lame purple racing jumper, chose my green helmets, got assigned a car, and strap on my racing belts. Did the qualifier for the first 5 minutes. I came in 4th. Damm, my old ass bones can't beat the four 20 yr old kids in front of me. I blame for the old tires on my car. They were running thin.

Went on a 29 laps race. To my surprise, it took a lot of energy and concentration. But, unfortunately on the very last lap my friend got into rear end crash. It took her to the side rails and she couldn't finish her race due to the pain she sustain from the crash. Felt bad for her to go through this. She got out and went on a tear on the person who hit her and the safety people around the track. Funny thing to see a petite girl having that much punch in her presence. It made me realize how each person handle a situation differently. I probably would of took my pain from the crash and just take it as is. But not saying which one is right or wrong, I find it a little embarrassed by what happen. Yet if I look back at it, I think that took a lot of courage to do what she did. She spoke what she felt and when with in. It brings the question to myself whether if I lived that way how would my perception of life be like. More free, more angry, more confused? But I think from what has happened so far this past few days maybe life is teaching me that people are different and I should be a little bit more flexible about things. Maybe this little experience help so see a small glimpse that there is message out there everyday. On one other thing, I did came in 3rd. I beat one of the 20 yrs old. Call me Mario!

Genesis

My first entry to this blog is an introduction. I started this blog as suggested by friends as a great way for them and anyone else interested to peak inside a little bit of what my life is like. I purposely not disclose the people that helps me write my stories due to the respect of their privacy. Hopefully I can look back at this one of these days and said I am glad that I started to write. Part of the reason driven by motivation of other people I know. Another driven by my personal experiment on what does writing do to me once I use a channel to express my feeling that otherwise I would not of in person. I am not a writer, just a person capturing some thoughts and experience as he tries to figure out what tomorrow will bring while I am living today.