Threes company

I write this after getting an email from a dear friend. Well maybe more then a friend at one time for a very short period of time. But the relationship grew to be something more important to me than a girlfriend and boyfriend relationship. Probably the distance kept us away or maybe I have my heart still with someone else. It is difficult to explain for myself, let alone put it in words.

As some of my close friends know. I am still in the process of trying to get over my ex. The last 2 months has not been easy given we did spend together. Yes bad mistake.... But I think I am at a cross road here where what is next. Or maybe a lot of time I am better at giving advice than what I can do for myself. To shorten the story and leave it for later, my ex seems to want to be back with me, but yet in some ways I can see she is hesitant. Unknowing how our history will effect our future together is a big part of. We been through a lot and with all the good and the bad. Unfortunately sometime the bad are the things that holds everything back. Well without going into that detail.

I have to explain why this post started. This good friend and I had a great week together a few years ago. About 5 years to be exact. We kept in touch ever since then we still talk through email and occasional phone call. I am thankful for that. She wanted to be with me and was willing to give every aspect of herself to me. Great girl, but yet I could not get myself to bring her into my life completely. On the other hand, I have my ex where I don't see her as open to me, but I still have very strong feeling for. Maybe just wishing she can turn everything around and make it all better. The contrast between the two is big. My ex fulfills me everything on the outside and much more. The good friend fulfills me on the inside understanding what makes my emotion move. The good friend would sent me the right poems or encouragement or even songs that touches me. Things ironically that get me by when I feel hurt by the ex. Yet when I hold the ex and not say anything the same comforts exist. So being the half and half person that I am I seem to continue on this roller coaster. Trying to get off and not know whether if I will like it if I do decide to abandon it. Well the song that my good friend sent me was about saying goodbye. She was not saying goodbye to me, but more so to say how our once attempt at flirting with being in a relationship has evolved into a great friendship. Now I am happy to learn that she started to be interested in a guys that she recently met. I am happy for her as I know she is a great girl.

So now that leave me with questions. Wondering what the heck am I doing? The songs seem to give the sign that it maybe time to say goodbye to the ex. Let it go. In the many things that I have discipline for, one that I am very bad at is discipline about love. What to do if you know you are not being the person you should be because you have feeling for someone. Do you embrace that feeling or do you force yourself away from it and hope for the better? Sometime people say you got to look for the little messages and miracles around you to understand that someone it trying to help you. Maybe I am just not looking hard enough or maybe I just been refuse to listen. That question remains.....to be continued I think....