Building Blocks

The complex part of who I am is coming out in 2009....as it seems. I feel a little bit cloudy with my thoughts, almost intoxicated in vision and aimless in reasoning. I often wonder if there is a medicine for the attention disorder that I display. This year seems to be extremely tough for me with really no obvious logic or solid reasoning behind why I think this way. Well at least not on the conscious level. I often question my disoriented approach to life and the way I view things before me. I see what the general population of people do and yet I go do the opposite. Call it being rebellious or maybe just call it plain abnormal. It is a find line that can be cross either way. Maybe part of the reason is because I grew up in an abnormal sequence of stages to adulthood. But then at what point are you too old to say your childhood is the reason and the cause to your weirdness? I am not the type to pass blame on who I am because of my past misfortunes and the things that happen unfairly. Yet sometime I wonder how much of that is truly what I say to myself versus what I believe within me. They say a person always bring some sort of baggage with them. I just wonder how much baggage I've already dropped off versus how many I still hold on to. Well this is leading to nowhere with all this rambling.

On another note, I am starting to do my taxes for 2008 and planning the trip to Vegas to meet up with my friends. This time to Vegas I may have to buy an airline ticket. For some reason I feel extremely poor these days. Not that I am breaking the bank or anything. But I feel less adequate about my present finance positions. Usually I never say no to any trips that my friends suggest. If there is any trip that I do not make, it is because of time. Yet for the first time since I graduated from college, I have to give second thought to a trip due to money. Now that is weird for me. Maybe all this talk of the economy and people geting laid off spooked me. Nevertheless the proportion of what is needed to fund a trip is not equivalent to the effect of loosing your job. Yet I am concerned about why I am thinking this way. Maybe within me, there is a tiny voice that is saying that when June comes around I may be unemployed like many intelligent and hardworking people. I should be preparing for that day. Yet I find myself lack the motivation to search for a back up job or seek an alternative path. Maybe after all this year of being responsible, I actually want to just be irresponsible. The thing is that ever since I could remember, that is going back to when I was 5, I had to always worry about a backup plan for me in case no one can take care of me. I can still remember on one of my birthdays when I got locked out of my house. I was expecting people to be around or at least be home when I was returning back from somewhere. But then for some reason, neither my grandmother or my aunt were home. It is a strange feeling as a kid when you have that realization that no one knows where you are and you don't have the power to find out where other people is. Having to wonder aimlessly by yourself at the age of 5 at night is a very surreal experience. I still remember that night when I wondered why am I with them. What am I doing walking around and to where? How I am in a land of no where. The question of "now what" continue to circulate through my mind. It is funny what I can still recall. I thought I forgot about it, until I started to ramble on in this blog. Very weird. Well let just say it is funny what I can recall at 2 AM sitting in bed with insomnia. Well maybe this will help me sleep once I write this out.