Big hand and little hand

Time is of the essence. How that is becoming true and so much of me and my history is behind such a simple phrase. When I was young I felt that I have all the time that I need in my lifetime. Not that I have all the time in the world, but that there are so little that I need to fit into the time that I have. Maybe my chaotic childhood left me to believe that my vision of what things are in life are only through my observance of the people around me. Keeping it simple. Maybe that simplicity help me survive through it all. That question I ponder sometimes. If you don't know the potential then how do a person know what is it that he should do to extent himself. The perception of reality would be total different versus another person. There shows the sensitivity that it takes to foster a child's mind. Removing limits is as important as establishing limits. Not to put the people down or anything, but while I was growing up, I didn't actually gotten the encouragement to go after a dream, let along develop a dream. Without a dream sometime lack simple passion that eventually builds into more complex passion for other dreams. With passion, I think you develop your understanding of time. In my opinion, so much of what I understand about time since I was a kid came from ignorance. The unknown of how time works in relation to a person life often taught but by trial and error. But in a foolish way, when I was younger I felt that I would be able to race with time. I find sometime I can control time by making it slow down for me and sometime make it speeds up if I wanted to. For instance, knowing that most people may take longer to do things, yet I rather do it faster than correct. Or the thought that if I control what gets done during a phase in time, then you control time. That is a phrase by a procrastinator, as it is a phrase from someone who just likes the rush of control chaos. You see control time controls chaos. Much can be say about that, since there are periods in my life that time seems to just stop as well. Ironically now as I am getting older, I realize time is beating me. Maybe that is the cause of my recent nights of restlessness. I understand time has a way of changing things. It has a way to make you feel nervous or even scared. The funny thing about time is that it is very much like the H element in the periodical table of life. It is highly volatile, unstable, and can be very explosive. Much of what it is depend on how it is mixed with the other elements that is part of everyday life.

For instance the element of "Dream". As I grown older I have more dreams of what I want to do in my life. I must say I been fortunate enough to fulfill many of my limited number of dreams. It make me feel fulfilled at that time. Yet when I mix that with too much "Dream" then I start to wonder why I am not getting as fulfilled as I was before. It is like someone who never had a change to do certain things when they were a kid and now they see that or similar thing to replace the void. As what point is is fill the old versus creating the new? The catalyst for dream is aspiration. The flaw of aspiration is that it is very unpredictable when you build it in a dream. When the element of time is multiply by the Nth power of dream, then I get a bit disturbed by such instabilities. How much of it is really knowing what to cap and knowing that some dream should just be left alone and not be mixed? There are dream that are meant to be dream and there are dream that intended to be fulfilled. Time is the creation of that energy that puts dreams into motion or inhibited. I yet do not know how to control that combination.

Then there is the exponential growth element of time with itself. Einstein puts a very good visual example that time is like a outer layer of what we perceive as the world. It can be warped, everlasting, halted, destroyed, and looped. It is a matter of the energy that it takes to get you there. For me, I started to focus on time recently. So much of that concentration has because suffocating. I question the things that I did in the past and question the things to be done in the future. In those moments I realize I may not always make the best judgement. I been bless to have good people around me even though I take them for granted. If I were to look closely and analyze my psyche, I can also see that much of what I do, is so that I would have little time left to spare. It is a bit unfair to those people around me I agree. Not that this is a justification or a correction of mistake, but more so a self observance. If I were to ever have a daughter I would say to stay away from a person like me. Not that I have self hate or anything. Just that when a person is complex it takes a lot of energy to untangle that web. Nothing in this world says anyone should be responsible to do the untangle, except the person who is in the web. But time is in my head and it is drives me nuts.

So I wrote the above a few weeks ago, now as I am one day away from my birthday, I think it explain why I have so much grey hairs. Having unorganized thoughts is really bad for a person's health. But I think the idea that as I am a year older does bring anxiety within me. More so than I want to admit. The question of what is it that I need to do in my life becomes more of a serious question that needs to be answered. Maybe as I am getting older, I am getting the urge to make a change. I contemplated on the idea of being totally irresponsible and just not work for a year or two. Logically it does not make any sense nor does it show any maturity or responsibility. Then again talking to G, bring up a good point. When it it ever a right time. Depends on how much I want to talk or thing about it, it will always never be the right time. But then waiting for a better opportunity never really arrives. It is weird, as a person gets older, I think there is a point in every one's life that you ask yourself can I go and be irresponsible? I think after G saw the near death of his father, he seems less worried about the what if. His idea is simple, just go do it if you want to. As long as you have no obligations, then go. Just go. Is it really that simple? I wonder.