Friction

I wonder what this new lunar year will be for me. One word that I can give to describe this week is "Friction". This new year started out in Egypt with little reminder that it came. Although it made a whisper entry, it bring strong head wind that make me feel a bit deflated already.

The new year started off in beautiful (depend how you see it) Egypt to discover its rich history. But that got redirected into an argument with D that started from the issue of payment for the excursion to how our hostess did not understand we need a la Cart menu. Although topics that usually go unmentioned, it exacerbated to us coming to our near decision to depart our separate ways. In the end we continued our trip and we did not act upon that night's conclusion. Yet I have to wonder, why it has to occur every time we go on a trip and how much can our relationship withstand the stress until that fracture became so grotesque that we have to turn away? The topic never really discussed between us, but I think D has to wonder that herself. The statement for us to break up is becoming more frequent during our fights. We will continue to have the geographic divide and our time are limited to when we do see each other. The question lies in how much we have changed and how much our relationship have went astray. To complicated even more, my quest to leave work later this year and travel is in question. What if we can not be together? Either the universe unwilling for us to hold jobs in the same location or just the normal change in our individual lives divide our spirits to be in a relationship, the uncertainty give me doubt to my ambitious quest to leave the US. I am afraid there are more questions than answers, especially when it come to the matters of the heart. Also one point that D brought up is true. There is something in me that I am torn, unhappy, divide, angry, etc...about. I just don't know what that is yet.

Maybe last night provided a slight clue. Went out with K last night, since big K was stopping over before his trip back to Hawaii. We hung out with a few of K's friends who I later discovered are a bunch of 23 yr old single mothers that really just whacked in the head. Did the dinner thing, the karaoke room, and then went to a club where R was the guess DJ. The night ended at its usually ritual of wonton shrimp noodle and my miraculous 10 minute nap. The next morning I feel a heavy load of uneasiness. It is hard to explain, but it is an empty feeling of wondering why I am still doing this. My question of whether this is where my life is about. How is it that I have people around me and yet the next day I feel more alone versus if I were to do things by myself? My friend once said I am naive. Sometime they say I look for the perfection and sometime they say I just like to seek aimlessly. Regardless what adjectives I can circulate in my sentences, I think I am looking for something greater than the routine. Maybe it is about something greater than myself. Maybe it is about having a detail goal. Maybe it is about getting into something that I can work at. Regardless what it is, it seems that the less of the standard is what I seek more than what I realize in the past.

To run away from a past. Can it be that my parent had such an impact of my past that I struggle in trying to run away from it? How can it be that talking to my mother can bring so much frustration? Earlier this evening, she asked about using my benefit to travel to a China trip with her distant aunt and my grandmother. Even the simple explanation that my benefit included me being tax for her trip became an argument of me reluctant to help her. It got to a point where I was stand accused of lying and question how is it a benefit. Sometime it is just exhausting to even speak about one topic. There was no word on how my trip was or any mention of how I am doing. Just about how I could not simply say yes to her request. The sad thing is that if I just said yes and did not lay out the risk of flying during China's world expo or the fact that things are not free, then maybe I would of avoided the heartache. Let it be at that day when she is stuck there for a few days. Is it better to just have things happen even though I may have the foresight? My constant preparation or understanding what may happen seems to always get me into trouble. The fact is people don't want me to avoid how they my be hurt. But I think what it is more important to them is that it came be easy.

Well my first day back to work is tomorrow. I can't say I am very excited about it. But if the past week is any indication of what is to come, then I am for some major confrontational events.

Measure me, measure us

I have a new respect for those people going on a diet. Maybe it is my age or maybe its just my lack of will. But I find that I have a tougher time loosing the weight. I've improved my diet with very low amount of carb.....well I think I did. But I've yet to see the reduction in the muffin top as I have hoped. The weird part of my new diet is that I end up having less energy when I get involve in sports. Maybe just my body getting use to it. This feels like being a chemist trying to mix the right amount of chemicals into my body so I can operate better. For instance, I bought half wheat pasta the other day. I don't know if I can commit to whole wheat, because despite my delicious sauce, having crappy pasta just ruins the entire dish. But then my choice for pasta question my attitude flaw with this diet. Why not have the entire pasta whole wheat?


Ah, I can't pass this up. Hmm, I wonder why the numbers are so off? An example why I feel the measurements that is in place are inaccurate and wrongly reflect current economy. I can't believe it took them that long to realize this. As I said before. The first change is to reform how we measure the US economy and not let political administration be allowed to change those criteria unless by a body of bipartisan economists.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Recessions-job-losses-likely-cnnm-1998556151.html?x=0