What if you try to stay as positive as you can, but yet you fall so short that it feels like spiritually you have gone into an abyss.  Is it possible that purgatory can exist?  What if you live in a forever hot place, bad people pretending to be good, crude noises everywhere that feels like mental warfare, no soul walking except warship money, always try to gain a little bit more advantage over others even just going through the door, everyday is the same spiritless purpose, when everything tries so hard to be orderly but yet you see how corrupted things are, and of course spiritually everyday the place eats you away.

So above all that, of course I realize a big part of it is me.  When I am not in the environment that I believe in, I have a forever slippy slide that hard to get rid of.  Yet I realize there are many people who feels the same and fled his place.  I don't do well in a superficial place where there is very little amount of humanity that exist.  It is boring because it does not have soul and therefore it tries so hard to buy some to come in.  Even though if you go to most events that come in are half full.

So if I can worry about what I can't control.  Now comes what I have the biggest struggle of all.  Me.  Sometime it is so tiring that you really don't have the words or the fuel to go any further.