Side swipe

Sometime there is no words to explain or even write down.  What if you are so lost in your mind that you can not find the word to express or the physical strength to project out.  The closest to describing that feeling is like getting into a car accident.  Instead of a split second of time that is all empty, hollow, and numb, I carry them constantly inside me as I go through the day.  I think the last time I refer to the walking dead and that pretty much is what it feels like.   But does the walking dead carry an aching heart?  Do they feel and yet experience numbness at the same time?  I find my body voicing out the same objection that it did years back.  The continue connection between the mind, body and soul that makes their dependency so much harder to managing when things are the way they are.  I am in state of oblivion it seems and I just wish somehow it is a material matter and I can just rip through it so that I can find a way to pound it to this ground that stand on so that I am finally feel I am in control of my "self".  I wonder where is my finite strength to push forward.  Have I reached it?  Have I passed it?  Am I not looking at the right thing?

You can't wash it away

There are certain things I feel like I can not ever get rid of.  When it come to my struggle with my parent it is an everlasting maligned cancer that seems to continue sits deep into me.  I feel and I can only see how physically what the cancer has done to me.  No one really see it, they may see some, but never know really how it is killing me from the inside out.  Cancer generally starts from deep within inconspicuous, impacting the internal organs, eventually reach the physical appearance, and of course gradually kills the mind.  The evidence of the disease does not surface way after time passes.

What happen today really confirm how I feel broken by the two people that brought me to this world.  I don't know if there is much greater hurt than what parents can do to their kids.  I understand everyone has issue with parents, but what if the parent break down your ever strength and courage?  What if they speak and request for their own gain, but use their relationship with you to get you to do what they want?  What if they don't see you as a person, but a possession?

After my meeting with my dad today, I wanted to get rid of everyone around me.  How can he made me hate myself so much.  I see a bit of myself from him.  When I see that I want to run and hide.  How I wish I don't want to be like him.  It is a scary feeling when I realize I run away from people and things that reminds me of them.  To be honest, after today I am okay with just among strangers.  Not having to see traces of my parents around me.  Not having to see my reflection.  I don't like to be alone, but if being alone is what it take to get rid of the reminder of the cancer, then I rather choose that route.  It can't be scrubbed away, it never fall off, and it make me feel like reckless.  In a unexplainable thought, I wish for chaos so that I will not let them break me down again.  I seek superficialness to give me moment of amnesia.  I give anything to have a short moment of free falling, empty, mindless experience even if it a mirage, just give me temporary false cleansing.

Walk on both sides of the street

Maybe because I have more time and also I am traveling that I can finally sit down and just free flow notes on blogger.  I return to my previous location, Hong Kong for a short stay before I head off to Japan tomorrow.  It is not until I left I noticed more things about HK.  People often ask my how is Singapore and whether I like it.  It is difficult to answer just because it is like comparing what food do you like.  For the bird that has no feet, that is actually what my friends call me, naming which is better is a very difficult task.  Even more difficult is saying which I like more.  It just depends.  Both places encapsulate a little of me.  When in HK you feel the chaos of life, it is true life.  Yet when walking down the street, SIN give you the definition and order that you need to keep a bit of inner peach.  One more than the other is not good for the soul and neither is one missing.  Strangely HK chaos gives the reason the nice thing about SIN.   Inversely the robotic society of SIN gives HK that energy that one needs to appreciate what you have.  By walking out on the streets of HK you can't help but to have in your gut to go do something despite the humidity and the hot temperature.  It is as if the place tells you to do something so that you do not miss out.  You don't know what it is, but you just need to move.   I don't think I have enough words or time to list why these two city are so oppositely compatible for a person like me.  But walking through, eating, and lounging my way from Sheung Wan to Causeway today also give me the motivation or even maybe the society pressure to site in a coffee shop and just write.  I will miss this place, that is for sure.  I will be critical of SIN as I have been for HK.  Just coming into SIN for the last week, I hope that I also work through my feeling so that one day I start to notice the wonderful things about SIN.

In a follow up to my other personality.  I came across this poem by Shannen Wrass on hellopoetry.com. I am reposting just because I like how it is written.

Welcome To My World ©

Have you ever tried to cry
But there's no tears left to shed
Have you ever seen the face of misery
Or looked into the eyes of dread
Have you ever gripped the pain
Cause it's all that's left to hold
Have you ever tried so hard to love
But found your heart was just too cold
Have you ever just had to accept,
Your agony has no end
Have you ever been so desperate,
You've claimed the sorrow your best friend
Have you ever held hands with depression
Wept on the shoulder of fear
Have you ever reached out to emptiness
But there's nothing to pull near.
Have you ever sobbed yourself to sleep
Anguish at the foot of your bed
Have you ever been shaken from your dream
To be thrown in a nightmare instead
Have you ever felt the cringe inside
Embraced by betrayal and hate
Have you ever then just had to dwell
In a world that terror creates
Have you ever been left empty
No Courage to unfold
If you've ever known the hurt
Then welcome to my world

Written by Shannen Wrass
Copyright © 1995 Shannen Wrass

Strike Through

It seems like I am not consistent in writing down my thoughts or feeling.  So much has happened and I have omitted so many things that I should have taken down.  Today I feel like I need to just put it down because I don't know what to do or where to put this "thing".

I feel like I been in a deep deep well for so long.  I tried yelling out.  I prayed for a higher being to get clarity. I kick and scream like a spoiled kid.  The thing about being stuck in a well is that you fell like you can do anything to yourself.  You see light and yet light dim or sometimes it brightens.  Then there are time when I wake up the next day, the depth of the well deepens.  I been starring at the light for so long.  So so long, that I became someone that just wish someone will just close the well for me.  Let me be....let me not hope, not see.  Let me be in the darkness.  I don't want to lift my head.  I don't want to see my hands and feet.  I want silence that ever lasting noise that is inside of me.

I did wrong and I forever will remember the wrong I did to the best person in this world.  Maybe I was in this well for a reason.  It was never intended for me to escape, but to protect others that is outside in the light.  It saddens me that the one person that tried to help me I pull into with me.  That I have no words to express how bad of a person I am but to confirm the purpose of this well.